Change Reaction

Photo by Open Democracy .  licensed under
Creative Commons Attribution 2.0 Generic

I've blogged about this before, but sometimes I get a terrible feeling of restlessness.  My greatest desire in these moments of anxiety is to change something.  Part of me yearns for a sense of adventure that seems lacking in my life.  But adventures are usually risky, and I am in a risk averse period of my life right now.  But this feeling or force in me keeps searching for an outlet.  Will I give in to the urge and make a frivolous purchase or take an unwise action for the sake of making a change?

There's a buzz that goes along with novelty.  There is a line from Frank Herbert's Dune that describes the importance of change.  "Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens.  The sleeper must awaken."  The trouble is I'm not sure if I'm asleep or awake!  I used to enjoy the risks of startup tech companies, but it seems like life is fraught with peril in today's economy--especially as a middle aged worker.  I'm also not big on risking my life in dangerous sports.  I'm a father and I have a responsibility to stay alive.  So thrill seeking is out.

They say organisms have a natural tendency to grow and expand.  But unchecked growth and expansion can kill an organism.  Organisms can exceed their environment's ability to sustain them or encounter unexpected predators.  Is the most difficult thing in modern life to try and control the impulse to always expand?  Or perhaps the trick is to focus the expansion and growth inward and away from the material world?

I am someone that prides myself on being somewhat wise, but I am constantly surprised by how misguided I am.  The anecdote about wisdom leading to humility must be true.  We are all like spinning tops bumping around on a table.  We lurch back and forth between life's events.  The choices are bewildering and our spins carry a lot of inertia.  Plus we're all scared to fall over--but we all do in the end.

This world is so chaotic that I think a person needs to be their own psychologist in order to stay on an even keel.  I suspect the people that seem to be the most together in this life are the people with the greatest level of self-awareness.  Maybe that's the real meaning of Herbert's quote.  The awakening he refers to could be awakening into self-awareness.  Our daily routines tend to dull our self-awareness.  If I can't make large scale changes to my life then maybe I can make a lot of small ones.  I do notice that I'm usually refreshed by doing something different.  Perhaps that's the key.  Making changes in small, manageable ways and staying refreshed and renewed in the process.

The current word count on the Hemlock Book IV manuscript is about 18,000.  I'm feeling good about the story and staying productive within my writing routine.  I'm getting to some exciting scenes that I'm dying to talk about but can't.  I'm also having additional ideas about existing scenes and that's always rewarding.  These are the ideas that take a solid scene and make it noteworthy.

I'm still planning to continue my posts on gaming as a metaphor for life.  I decided to just write this blog post by the seat of my pants instead of doing something more regimented.  But I will continue that series very soon.  I hope you are having a wonderful beginning to spring!